When in (Ancient) Rome: How Online Were You in September?

JoBro Dojo Casa House: Joe Jonas tried to have his cake by the ocean and eat it too. Pro-tip: Don’t divorce Queen in the North Sophie Turner and seemingly try to smear her in the press — not when she has Taylor Swift in her corner.

Letter-rip: The Notes App apology is so 2020. Celebrities are making apology videos now, and they’re somehow even worse than when YouTubers try it. At least, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis’s September 9 apology for writing letters in support of now-convicted rapist Danny Masterson certainly did nothing to win over the angry fans, who were too busy reading everything Masterson’s ex Chrissie Bixler was sharing about Kutcher on her Instagram Stories.

Scabbed over: Apologies may not work anymore, but bullying does. On September 10, Drew Barrymore shared that her talk show had resumed filming without its WGA writers who were currently on strike. But the backlash in Instagram comments — and the picket line outside the studio — could not be ignored. Six days after announcing the return, she released a tearful, now-deleted video acknowledging concerns, but that the show would still move forward. By the next day, however, she officially reversed her decision, and the show went on pause.

Brand, busted: The last, and certainly also the least, of September’s spate of celebrity video statements is Russell Brand’s, a rancid basin of word soup he released just ahead of a damning report from the UK’s Sunday Times, the Times, and Channel 4’s Dispatches. The investigation found one allegation of rape and three allegations of sexual assault against the comedian, who in more recent years could be found on YouTube interviewing polarizing figures like Tucker Carlson and Jordon Peterson and on Instagram banging a gong.

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Swiper no swiping

Depop isn’t trendy enough — downtown Manhattan’s most hellbent thrifters will literally come to your house and take your clothes. After a second date with a man named Joshua that she met on Tinder, 25-year-old Alexis Dougé brought him back to her apartment.

“Before we sleep together, we’re chatting about fashion and stuff, and he really wants Tabis,” Dougé recalls in a September 1 TikTok video. Lo and behold, she discovered her $1,000 Maison Margiela Tabi Mary-Janes were missing the next morning. Not only had Joshua absconded with the shoes, but he also deleted his number from her phone under the guise of looking for a Spotify playlist, so Dougé couldn’t get in touch with him. Then the internet stepped in. After the video received 1.5 million views on TikTok, and a further 30 million on X, Joshua was nicknamed the “Tabi swiper,” and viewers mobilized to get Dougé her shoes back.

In subsequent videos, Dougé shares that Joshua eventually called her after internet sleuths helped her figure out his identity. While he initially denied the theft, Dougé had been sent a picture of his girlfriend (yes, girlfriend) wearing the shoes he had seemingly stolen for her. He eventually fessed up (“Ight, you got me,” he said in a text screenshot after initially denying it), and a hand-off went down a few days later which was, thankfully, filmed for TikTok.

Why it’s a 2: This was a TikTok/X joint production, a rare combo with unstoppable energy. Dougé was interviewed by the New York Times and Vogue and inspired a 36-hour cycle of meme-ery. Joshua, meanwhile, was dumped.

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Burned out

Burning Man is already a chaotic mess without a weather emergency, but when heavy rains resulted in muddy conditions at this year’s August 27 to September 4 festival, attendees were left stranded, and there was one reported fatality. But the TikTok must go on. Creator Salah Brooks, who’s previously raised eyebrows for her sometimes-cringe travel content, vlogged the whole Burning Man fiasco. These vlogs have everything: mud, crying, overstimulating narration, and even a get-ready-with-me-style apology.

Why it’s a 2: Strip away the awkward narration and drama in the comments, and TikTok videos are actually a remarkable first-person source when news is making international headlines. Sure, I believed the rain was turning the festival into a disaster, but I didn’t really feel it until I saw Brooks trying to use a port-a-potty filled with a foot of mud.

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Vlog gone wrong

On August 30, the former vlogger behind the popular YouTube channel “8 Passengers,” Ruby Franke, was arrested on child abuse charges alongside her business partner, Jodi Hildebrandt. Franke shared the 8 Passengers channel with her now-estranged husband, Kevin, where they vlogged their life with six children. While the channel was removed from YouTube earlier this year without explanation, it at one point boasted 2.3 million followers, gaining significant popularity in 2015.

Franke and Hildebrandt were arrested after neighbors reported a child who was “emaciated and malnourished, with open wounds and duct tape around the extremities.” All four of Franke’s minor-aged children were subsequently taken into the care of the Department of Child and Family Services.

Why it’s a 2: Franke’s treatment of her children has long been a topic of concern for 8 Passengers followers, who previously called local child protective services on the parents in 2020 after their then 15-year-old son Chad claimed on camera that he had been sleeping on a beanbag for the past seven months. In one video, Franke seemingly refuses to bring her then six-year-old daughter lunch after she claimed she had forgotten hers at home, and she would often film herself disciplining her children. Franke’s high-profile arrest felt like a long time coming for concerned followers. According to NBC News, Shari Franke, the family’s oldest daughter, now 20, shared the news on Instagram Stories with the caption, “Finally.”

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When in Rome

How often do men think about the Roman Empire? Well, definitely a lot more now that every outlet, from the Washington Post to local newspapers, is talking about it. On September 5, Kelsey Lewis Vincent tweeted her thoughts about an Instagram Reel posted by Roman reenactor Gaius Flavius asserting that men frequently think about the Roman Empire. The tweet received over 5,600 reposts and took off on TikTok, where users began filming themselves asking the men in their life how often they think about (approximately) the years 753 BCE to 476 CE. What’s resulted is a lot of talking about people talking about the Roman Empire, but in my opinion, not enough hand-to-hand gladiator combat.

Why it’s a 2: Like “girl dinner” before it, this gender-based observation catapulted to near-inescapable discourse. It’s good — no it’s bad. Oh, now it’s on Ryan Reynold’s Instagram Story. And don’t think leaving the house means you’ll escape it. It’s now at Panera Bread, too.

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Tube moves

Sabrina Bahsoon heard RuPaul say, “The world is your runway,” and took it as a challenge. The 22-year-old first went viral in August for a TikTok video she posted of herself dramatically dancing on the London Underground in front of bemused strangers and ended up kicking off a trend on the app. Using synchronized camera movements — and an assist from the wind blowing in from the open carriage — Bahsoon’s now-signature videos earned her the nickname “tube girl” and sent her express to London and Paris fashion weeks.

“I literally manifested it,” Bahsoon told Vulture in an interview. “Earlier on in my videos, it was just me pretending to be a runway model on the platform … The fact that I’m here, what is going on?”

Why it’s a 3: With tens of millions of views and partnerships with Hugo Boss and M.A.C, Bahsoon has achieved in a few weeks what most online creators hope for in a few years. While only the moderately online will recognize her on the IRL runway, on TikTok she’s the main event.

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A (sitting) star is born…

It’s so rewarding to see a young indie artist finally get his big break. While Brian Jordan Alvarez’s popular TikTok character, T.J Mack, is no stranger to the music industry (real heads will remember T.J’s summer 2022 hit, “Laser Tag”), his genius has finally been recognized in “Sitting.” The song, sung in the character’s signature blunt and goofy dialect, espouses the virtues of sitting, which the lyrics aptly describe as “the opposite of standing.” In attempting to write a parody song for a somewhat dim-witted character, Alvarez accidentally stumbled upon a bonafide earworm. “Sitting” has inspired countless covers on TikTok, and is even on Spotify.

Why it’s a 3: Alvarez has had a cult following for his comedy on TikTok for a few years now, but “Sitting” is the thing that’s finally getting him the more mainstream attention he deserves. In the wake of the song’s virality, Alvarez has appeared on the radio (in character) and landed coverage in esteemed publications like The Atlantic, est. 1857.

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Gossip cop

People have been using TikTok as a means of exposing gossip since 2021 when user @drewbdoobdoo overheard two friends purposefully planning a party for when their other friend, Marissa, was out of town. He shared what he heard in a viral TikTok that eventually made its way to Marissa herself. Marissa ended up turning the whole thing into her brand, but unfortunately, this meant that people began making it their civic duty to ruin the God-given right of people everywhere to talk shit, but this latest instance from influencer Kelsey Kotzur may have finally pushed the trend over the edge. In a video that went viral across both TikTok and X, Kotzur relays an alleged conversation she overheard between three bridesmaids venting about a friend’s wedding, her appearance, and other seemingly harmless frustrations.

“If you just got married and your color scheme was blush, and you have two blonde friends with short bobs and a brunette friend … don’t be friends with them,” Kotzur concludes the video. While some people rallied behind Kotzur’s cause, other people felt these kinds of videos had gone too far.

“there needs to be a minding your own fuckin business renaissance,” X user @gusminivansant posted. “imagine trying to have a mean ass convo w ur friends and having to worry about some pilgrim making a tiktok about it.”

Why it’s a 3: Kotzur’s video received almost two and a half million views on TikTok, another 14 million on Elon Musk’s personal blog, and inspired a larger discourse about people’s right to privacy in public places. PSA that is apparently necessary now: If you hear people talking shit about me, do not inform me via TikTok!!

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Chalamet in shambles

Timothée Chalamet reportedly dating Kylie Jenner was a shock to most people’s systems, but no one took it harder than the Chalamet fandom. On September 4, the pair attended Beyoncé’s concert, and the first PDA-packed photos and videos of their relationship dropped online. This seeming confirmation of the (PR) rumor was too much for fans like Simone, the Gen X fan behind Instagram and Twitter accounts Club Chalamet, who strongly feels the actor shouldn’t be with someone from the Kardashian clan. Simone (Jokingly? She declined an interview) purports that Jenner is actually a stalker who Chalamet is tolerating.

“If you’re feeling distressed by the video, it’s okay,” Simone posted on Instagram. “But please take care of yourself. Step away from social media for a couple days.”

This kind of mental health language being applied to what was for many just benign celebrity gossip provoked widespread mockery on Twitter, which Simone later called ageism. However, anyone who thinks this saga was the most bizarre thing to come out of the account this month must have missed the post about 9/11.

Why it’s a 3: For a few days, Club Chalamet was Twitter’s main character. The Spaces they hosted the night after the controversy had, at one point, over 8,000 people tuning in, and Rolling Stone cited the incident as an example of stan culture gone awry.

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Lamborghini mercy

There is nothing, I repeat nothing, I hate more than when my parents say I can get a Lamborghini, and then the Lamborghini I want gets sold to someone else. But it was this tragedy that befell high schooler Flo, whose Lamborghini saga has been captivating all of TikTok. It’s hard to know how much of Flo’s videos are true. She definitely lives in a gigantic house, and someone in her life does have a Lamborghini because here’s a video of her driving it on the beach. But as for the other things she claims — that her parents are building her a brand new room with its own elevator, or that she’s been bribing their housekeeper to clean for her, or that she just learned how to do laundry for the first time — just seem too rich to be true.

Why it’s a 4: Flo’s Lamborghini saga received millions of views, but around half of them dropped off after a few videos. Only true fans have stuck around and have been richly rewarded for it: Flo just announced she wants a new Lamborghini.

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MemeBay

While the Hollywood strike is half over, with the WGA reaching a tentative deal, the striking members of SAG-AFTRA still need all the help they can get — which is why Florence Pugh should really offer up the Don’t Worry Darling tea for $9,128,000. While that auction item isn’t real, the Union Solidarity Coalition did host an auction on eBay from September 12 to 22 with celebrities offering up everything from Zoom calls to dog walks to raise money for workers on strike. The internet came up with their own ideas, and Pugh’s contribution was one of many memes that made the rounds. From a staring contest with Cillian Murphy to Julianna Margulies and Archie Panjabi telling you what happened between them, if the internet was in charge, these writers and actors would never have to work another day in their lives.

Why it’s a 4: While the Hollywood strike is still front-page news, it takes a more refined pop culture palette to understand why any of these memes are funny, let alone well worth the hypothetical nine million dollars.

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Surge stopper

Couple content on TikTok is cringe at the best of times, but the video posted by creator Lilianna Wilde was too much even for the most kind-hearted scrollers. On August 15, she shared something she and her husband do called a “love surge.” A love surge is when one person, shaking with the “electricity of love,” hugs the other until they both shake and “explode.” It’s sweet and harmless but ultimately revolting to witness. Over the next month, the video slowly gained millions of views from people mocking it in stitches and duets. “Time to invest in a love surge protector,” the top comment reads.

By September 13, the love surge had blown a fuse, and Lilianna posted a tearful video addressing the hate. “If the goal was to make me sad, you did it, you won,” she said.

Why it’s a 5: Another month, another instance of a bunch of people banding together to ruin a random TikTok’s user’s day for no reason. Luckily, it seems Lilianna made a full recovery because the cringe content is already back in full force.

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Celebrity sing-off

Tired: Watching a celebrity perform.

Wired: Making a celebrity watch you perform.

TikToker Harry Daniels earns millions of views for somehow getting himself in front of celebrities and putting on iconic singing and dancing performances that they never quite know how to respond to. Courteney Cox was tentatively supportive and Kelly Clarkson enthusiastically so. But on September 12, Daniels finally met his match in Doja Cat, who recognized him from TikTok and halted her own security team so she could watch him perform his unique take on “Paint the Town Red.”