Somewhere in the darkened streets of Houston, Texas, a villainous force stalks the streets. True horrors and chaos erupt in its wake. The denizens of the city cower in fear! “Please! Spare us!” they shout from inside their homes as they peer out their windows. The natural order has been upset; up is down, light is dark, cats lie down with dogs. Old women hiss as the evil force passes by: “Fiendish! Vile! Dastardly!” There’s a name too sinister to be named, but I, and I alone, am not afraid to say it aloud. Gather behind me, dear children, as I name this unspeakable nightmare: The Love Is Blind season five cast. Oh no, they’re coming toward us! Run!
What in the ever-loving Christ happened this season? I’ve never seen a collection of people I’ve ever wanted to root for less. Is there a single relationship that makes sense? It’s like someone let Batman’s rogues gallery loose in the pods, and we’re supposed to swoon that Killer Croc and Talia al Ghul found each other. Last week, I was a little let down that we didn’t get more almost couples in the pods and didn’t get to see more of the other cast members, but now I’m happy that they managed to stay out of the web of these maniacs. I’m glad they didn’t get an all-expense paid trip to Mexico, I’m glad they didn’t get a fully furnished neutral zone apartment, and I’m glad they don’t have to even consider marrying any of these people. But they did have to attend the worst reunion party in the history of parties. Let’s get into it.
UCHE!!!!! Get out of here! Scram! Uche’s internal computing and emotion suppression system is on the absolute fritz as he deals with Aaliyah’s departure. He sits down with production and says he “can’t accept this” without talking to Aaliyah. I don’t know what there is to accept, my dude. She’s just gone??? Production gets someone named Marco to call Aaliyah on the phone so Uche can call her on camera. Aaliyah answers the call and tells him that something Lydia said changed her mind. She tells him that Lydia was smothering her, bringing up Uche and telling her that Lydia didn’t want Uche back. If North America’s thirstiest woman doesn’t want your man, he’s junk. But of course, Uche wants to know why she would let some girl get in between them! How could she not talk to him?! Aaliyah says that she still loves him, but she’s in a very stressful environment. Uche wants to know what she thinks would happen if she were in the room with someone he used to date. Aaliyah drops the bomb that she knows Lydia and Uche saw each other three months ago and maybe she applied because she knew Uche did. Uche flips out and the conversation spirals and ends with him telling production he never wants to see her again. If only!
It’s time for Lydia and Milton to meet each other. Lydia says it will be the epiphany of happiness. I want that for her. (She means epitome.) Milton is TALL. The most interesting thing that happens during their reveal is finally understanding the physics of how two people that have at least a foot in height difference make out: They do it sitting down and frequently. Milton says he’s going to get Lydia some flashcards so she can learn English. Milton does not speak Spanish.
Off to Mexico!
Listen. Listen. There’s a lot coming, and we need to make some judgment calls about what goes in this recap. I’m making a judgment call right now.
The Mexico trip belongs to JP and Taylor because they have the most dramatic Mexico trip. (Honestly, the only other thing we learn during this trip is that Izzy has a big dick, and Stacy repeatedly calls him “macho” and “manly” and wants him to throw her around. We do not have the time to devote to whatever is happening there! She’s surprised he has emotions? What am I doing? There’s no time!)
It’s a little awkward between the two of them and honestly, neither of them knows exactly how to ask for what they need. Since their reveal day, conversation has been a little bit forced, and Taylor thinks something happened during their reveal. Her general insecure nature has her asking JP once an hour if he’s still happy, and if he’s going to leave her, and if he loves her. JP answers in monosyllables.
Also, at one point, this motherfucker is wearing a basketball jersey that says “USA” on the front and “America” on the back. I’m not saying I need to know where he was in early January 2021, but I’d like to see his Google calendar.
Taylor can only ask JP over and over to “talk more” and says they can imagine a wall between themselves like in the pods. JP says over and over that he’s going to “try.” Try how, sir!? You need to think of something quick because Taylor is basically crying every day. They head to a little beach party with the other couples, and Taylor sees how everyone else is just chattering away and fucking all the time, and she spirals even more. He’s wearing an American-flag polo shirt. He starts dropping hints that he likes her freckles. Ah ha! A clue!
Finally, in bed, they try to broach the topic again, and JP is frankly exhausted from talking about it. He insists that the problem is that Taylor keeps bringing it up, and if no one ever brought it up or asked him to do anything about it, the problem would go away. After a few circular rounds about when the problem started and if it’s only a problem because they keep calling it a problem, it all comes out. JP thought Taylor was fake during the reveal because she had on makeup and fake eyelashes. Are you fucking kidding me? There are still men in the year Twenty Twenty-Three that get weirded out when women wear makeup? If you’re looking at a woman, just assume a team and an arsenal of products got her out of bed and looking presentable. Some women like to wear fake eyelashes, and it’s not a reflection of their character, or communication style, or realness. It’s a reflection if they want their eyes to look like big black butterflies. Taylor makes the great point that JP didn’t know what she looked like before the reveal. She could have been wearing makeup every single time they talked in the pods! JP says, “I’m gonna have to deal with this. You putting on a fake face.” SHUT UP! SHUT UP! He doesn’t understand that this is a truly bizarre thing to say. Maybe the guy in the American-flag boxer shorts might have some regressive views about things after all. Taylor says she needs some space and leaves their room … not before taking her entire toiletry case.
The next morning, they meet up in the lobby, and Taylor tells him she feels uncomfortable, and they shouldn’t be engaged. She gives him the ring back. One down, two to go.
It’s time for the couples to move into their neutral zone apartment and meet each other’s families and try to integrate into each other’s lives. For Milton and Lydia, that’s Milton’s schedule of working nights and sitting on kitchen counters. For Stacy and Izzy, that’s a detailed accounting of their finances and home renovation projects.
Umm … is Stacy rich? Like really rich? And her family is rich, too? She says that her expectation in the relationship is that they’ll split everything in the home 50/50, which seems fine, but then she never wants to pay for dinner ever again. WHAT? Ma’am, if you’re married, it’s all your money? After a few years of marriage, who cares if it’s your card or his? She says she’s worked very hard for what she has (and what her dad has), and she knows she could take care of it, but that’s just what a man should do. She also thinks her boyfriends and other people are trying to take advantage of what her dad has. I assure you, no one is trying to date you to get at your dad’s money. That would require them to be around you. Oh sorry, did I reveal too much? Like the fact that I cannot stand Stacy? She’s getting on my last nerve, and we haven’t even gotten to the reunion party yet.
But before we get there, Aaliyah and Uche have agreed to meet against all good advice. Aaliyah wants to take this time to tell Uche that she still cares about him and that maybe they could get back together and get married? Uche wants to take the opportunity to paint Lydia as an absolutely crazy person. Listen, do I think Lydia is a bit much? Yeah. Do I think she’d probably be hard to date? Also yes. Do I also think that what happened was Uche drove her to madness and in her desperation to figure out if he was cheating started crossing boundaries? ABSOLUTELY. He also tells Aaliyah he didn’t want to tell her about Lydia because he didn’t want Aaliyah to think he bad-mouths women. She would only think that if you bad mouth women, Uche. He tells her how Lydia would look at his friend’s Instagram stories. (Maybe I’m an outlier, but I’m not monitoring who is looking at my Instagram stories. I don’t care who is seeing these cancer patient memes. I am, however, studying who emoji-reacts to my posts on Slack.) He opens a manilla folder labeled “EVIDENCE” and shows Aaliyah the screenshots. Lydia also drove by his house and sent him a text that said, “I see you.” Aaliyah basically doesn’t engage with any of this but wants to know why Uche is so concerned about Milton’s well-being. If everyone has moved on, who cares who Lydia gets engaged to? Aaliyah also says that Lydia was telling people she had a feeling she knew someone from her past would be there. Aaliyah says, “Maybe y’all should have gone on The Ultimatum instead.” Get him, girl. This plants a seed in Uche’s head that will tear him apart. Uche launches into a monologue about how his parents have been through worse things than this experiment, and if Aaliyah can’t handle it and just leaves when things get tough, it’s over between them. Oh, do I also think Uche only agreed to meet with her so he could be the one to break up with her? ONE HUNDO PERCENT, BABY.
Moving on, Izzy should have regular plates, and the fact that he doesn’t understand that it’s weird at 29 to eat exclusively off paper plates is WILD. It would be better if he had one plate, one bowl, and one set of silverware like Don Draper in his sad, divorced-dad apartment. Stacy is right to freak out about that. It’s also TACKY AS HELL to keep a little dish of leftover earrings and bobby pins from one-night stands. He doesn’t have a good argument for why he didn’t think to toss that stuff at any point. He says that the plate thing is materialistic on Stacy’s part. It’s not materialistic; it’s basic human living standards.
It’s 15 days until the weddings, and it’s time to meet the families.
Izzy heads out to meet Stacy’s family and good God these people. This was like some comedy of manners. Her family’s eyes bug out when it’s revealed that Izzy doesn’t know that Nice is in France! And that he never had a passport before! And he’s never been to New York! He mixed up the Cabernet Franc with Cabernet Sauvignon! Stacy’s dad takes him outside to ask if he has enough money to travel with Stacy and go to nice restaurants. Her dad says if you don’t step up, that responsibility falls to me. I cannot and do not want to understand these family dynamics.
Time for the worst party in America.
Izzy and Stacy decide that their goal at this party is to psychologically destroy Johnie. Johnie is dating Chris and seems happy! Why couldn’t they leave her alone!?! Izzy sits down with Johnie and says he’s heard a lot of sketchy shit about her and that she mindfucked Chris. He relays that he and Chris compared notes about what Johnie was telling them, and it’s concerning that Johnie is with Chris now. Johnie seems to be very comfortable with the fact that she’s not with Izzy, and again, is very happy with Chris! Izzy just keeps saying that she’s sketchy as fuck. Johnie basically runs off crying, and Izzy gloats to Stacy that he called her on her shit!
Fuck Izzy. Fuck Stacy. This is truly bizarre. This whole thing just makes you look rude as hell, and honestly, a little paranoid. Stacy was just a little too eager to start talking shit about Johnie when it doesn’t appear that Johnie ever really did anything to her? The two of you are engaged! Johnie is with Chris! Did you just want to make her cry? Is this some psychosexual game to humiliate your former pod mate? This is what makes me not want to root for them at all. And you’re not defending your friend, Izzy. You did that for you.
UGH. OH NO FUCK. UCHE IS HERE. GOD DAMN IT.
He tries to pull Lydia aside and her first instinct is to say, “I really don’t want to, but if I have to, I guess.” Uche has prepared his opening statement. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Lydia is a psycho-bitch. Does this man speak in anything besides monologues?!??! He couldn’t fully ruin Lydia’s reputation with his sit down with Aaliyah; he’s got to tell Lydia to her face and trick her into admitting what she did to him? He thinks this is a foolproof plan, and if he opens with, “You have many qualities that I really liked,” she’ll just let him say whatever he wants without any respect for the truth. He says she lied, and when she says he also lied, he says, “Well, I told you the truth eventually.” You don’t get credit for that.
Then he launches into Lydia snooping and watching his friend’s Instagram stories, and Lydia says that Uche is leaving out a key piece of the puzzle: He slept with someone else when they were together.
AND THERE IT IS. WHAT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!! This man will cheat and then try to gaslight Lydia and present a very selective history of the case. Then he’s going to take Milton aside? And talk to him about all this?!?!? VILLIAN.
Spare Pod Goss
• For some reason, Lydia’s mom being named Lydia Sr. feels right.
• JP and Taylor trying to have hot coffee in those damn gold stemless goblets is preposterous. I understand having a signature, but there must be a version of those glasses with a handle, Netflix.
• I absolutely died when Milton’s roommate, Josh said, “Mi casa es su casa,” and Lydia thought he spoke Spanish and immediately started speaking to him in Spanish. Please get this woman around someone who speaks her language.
• Carter saying that he’d want his daughter to end up with a guy like JP, and JP is “Captain America to me” is making me want to also get a quick look at Carter’s Southwest Airline reservations in early January 2021.
More From This Series
- In Defense of Lydia’s Instagram Behavior
- The Love Is Blind Experiment Finally Broke
- Love Is Blind’s Aaliyah Cosby Knows She Didn’t Get a Fair Shot
