Before we go Under the Big Top — which, ironically, is also Andy Cohen’s name on Grindr — I would like to give the cast, crew, producers, and editors their flowers for what was a solid season of The Real Housewives of Orange County. I would give this season, compared to all other Housewives seasons, three stars out of five. Yes, it was good, but in the pantheon of everything, it was just average. However, the past several seasons have had, much like Amazon’s Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power, no stars at all.
And we need to give the editors a special shout-out for a whole new technique they developed. I’m calling it the Brady Bunch montage after the classic sitcom’s iconic opening theme. It’s when we get a whole bunch of clips of something — people being mean to Heather, Taylor being more wasted than a piece of wagyu beef at a vegan convention — shown simultaneously in a grid. We got the same thing last week of Vicki saying she hates fighting and then the Brady montage of her screaming at people over the last two decades. And the editors get an extra-, extra-, extra-special kiss on the mouth for introducing the Heather montage. She tells Terry that she was “dog fucked” for a week in Mexico, and her montage features a little pooch humping a pillow right there in the middle of the screen where Alice should be.
The episode wasn’t about that, however. It was about Gina throwing a Lion Tamers and Lions–themed BDSM party. (BDSM does not stand for Big Dick Slaps Monkey, as Emily claims. Everyone knows it stands for Brian “Doesn’t Suck” Moylan. Duh!) It wasn’t just about the party, though; it was really about Heather versus Tamra for the crown of … what? The last OG standing? Will they try to decapitate each other because there can only be one Toyota Highlander?
The problem with the Heather-Tamra discourse is that it revolves around what is in contention for the dumbest fight ever in the history of Real Housewives, and we just went through about four episodes of Larsa Pippen and Lisa Hochstein fighting over whether or not Lisa has a mortgage. Now, I love a fight where everyone is right and everyone is wrong at the same time, but this is a fight where no one is right and everyone is misunderstanding. It’s like a game of idiot telephone.
Here’s how it boils down. Heather told Gina and Emily that at BravoCon, Tamra called them losers because when Heather was sitting with the whole cast, Tamra came over and said, “I don’t want to hang around with you losers.” When they confront Tamra about this, she says she only said that because Heather told her everyone on the cast was a loser, so she was making an inside joke with Heather. When Gina and Emily asked why she called them losers, Heather said she didn’t call them losers; she was referring only to Noella Bergener, the Queen of the Vag Stack (R.I.P.).
Basically, what happened was Heather called Noella a loser to Tamra, then Tamra made a joke about it at BravoCon, and then Heather accused Tamra of calling Gina and Emily losers even though Heather is the one who started the whole thing. Now Heather goes on this whole apology tour to all the women in the group (minus Tamra for obvious reasons and Jenn because Heather still hasn’t figured out if she’s on the cast or just her old Pilates instructor who won’t go away). When she has lunch with Gina she brings out an episode of Two Ts in a Pod, Tamra’s Housewives podcast with Teddi Mellencamp, the new carrier of the Brandi Glanville curse — so if you say her name three times she appears. Heather plays a clip of Tamra telling a story about saying she wanted to “get away from these losers” at BravoCon.
After Heather plays the tape, she points to it with her hand and makes a “See?” face to Gina, expecting her to get all mad at Tamra. Gina is just like, “Annnnnddddddd?????????” This is not the gotcha that Heather thinks it is. Tamra is clearly joking, and she calls them losers much as if saying “Get in loser, we’re going shopping.” Also, Gina has a great point: If Tamra is out there calling people losers, why is this the first time she’s heard about it? Why didn’t her friend Heather let her know beforehand?
Heather is doing the same thing that Tamra does; they’re not lying, they’re just withholding information for when they need some ammunition. The difference is that Tamra always brings a heat-seeking missile and Heather showed up with a little film-noir revolver with a mother-of-pearl handle, and as she pointed it at Tamra she somehow also shot herself in a Louboutin pump.
Since this is the finale, we needed to get some story lines closed. Jenn made a spaghetti casserole and didn’t drop one off at Vicki’s house and then talked to Ryan about how she doesn’t want him to cheat, but sister, we all know that’s happening. Then Jenn and Shannon go to Tamra’s house and Shannon gets Jenn to try the Sit-O-Lonic, the at-home colonic she is developing with Dr. Moon, who is good enough for energy massage but apparently not good enough to deal with bruised elbows. Now, there are a handful of things you should never try to do alone — dyeing your hair blonde, doing your taxes, putting up wallpaper, BDSM — and colonics are one of them.
Before we even get to the party, the Heather-and-Tamra showdown is already set up. In confessional, Heather goes through all the ways that Tamra has destroyed her relationships with the other women. She mentions Tamra joking about her IMDb, which ruined her relationship with Taylor. She mentions Tamra asking Heather if she talked to Emily and Gina about Shannon’s relationship, ruining her standing with Shannon. She mentions Tamra saying she called Gina and Emily losers, ruining that triad. The only person whose relationship she didn’t ruin is the one between Heather and that weird Pilates instructor she can’t shake.
She’s not wrong about that, but these are all unforced errors. The only reason she made that joke about the IMDb is because Heather was so condescending about Taylor’s acting career. Heather was talking about Shannon’s relationship (but no more than anyone else). And the loser thing, well, that’s something Heather brought up all on her own to try to make Tamra look bad and failed.
I’m not on either side here. I think that Tamra and Heather are playing different versions of the same game. It’s pretty diabolical and meant to keep them on the show for another season. The difference is that little Tammy Sue is the one who invented this fucking game on season three of RHOC and is much more adept at it than Heather “Hold Your Champs While Pinching Your Nose” Dubrow.
When we get to the circus-themed party, almost everyone is a variation of a lion and a lion tamer, including Ryan, who chose not to wear a shirt under his lion-tamer jacket, and everyone makes fun of him. Ryan, a case of athlete’s foot that has climbed all the way up to your nuts, may be horrible, but he sure has a hot body. If I looked like him, none of my costumes would have shirts. Shit, none of my everyday attire would have shirts. I would just be like, “The Beach is THATTA WAY” to every single person I encounter over the course of a day.
Worse than Ryan are both Shane Simpson and Terry Dubrow, who show up in a graphic T-shirt as a costume. This is the worst kind of costume. If I’m throwing a theme party or a costume party, either show up in the theme or wear street clothes. Showing up in a tee with butter on it says, “I know this is a costume party, and I should do something, but I am too lazy and do not care about you enough to actually do it.” I mean, John Jansen, in his last act as a Houseboyfriend, wears a magician’s outfit and complains about his hat. That is the dedication we need.
The only inspired outfit is Taylor Armstrong, who showed up as a drunk heap of cotton candy, a callback to one of her most iconic moments, the 59th most iconic in Housewives history. She’s pissed because Heather was supposed to hang out with her and her niece salsa dancing, but then she got some soup, passed out, and left Taylor at home alone? I don’t know. I don’t care. This is the dumbest grievance in a night where the grievances are so dumb that even Teresa Giudice could teach them something.
Heather shows up at the party (as an aerialist, but she should have gone with the dolphin trainer and gotten Terry in a dolphin costume à la Nene and Gregg’s infamous cockroach costume), and she goes around the room talking to all the women one by one trying to set it straight. Meanwhile, Tamra is going counterclockwise in the same circle, talking shit to all the women about Heather. This reminded me less of Housewives and more of RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars, where the two bottom queens must convince their fellow eyelash enthusiasts that they should send their rival home instead.
While Heather is having her one-on-one with Emily, she tells her that Tamra was talking shit about her in Montana, saying she was never a lawyer; she was just a party planner. Thanks for bringing this up, because whatever happened to Emily’s Party City franchise? When she came on the show, her thing was, “I don’t have one job; I have two,” but we never heard about party planning again and now Emily has zero jobs unless you count being a stage mother for her model daughter.
Anyway, Emily tells Tamra this and Tamra marches straight up to Heather and tries to confront her in a full face of clown makeup. I haven’t seen a clown get this angry since James Corden misordered an omelet. But Heather doesn’t take the bait. She doesn’t sink to Tamra’s level. For the first time all season, Heather wins by deciding she won’t play the game. She will take Tamra’s rules, ball them up, and shove them under a Sit-O-Lonic because they are so full of shit. Heather, dressed as the Svedka robot, takes her husband and her aerial ring and walks to whatever black car is waiting for them. She doesn’t need this fight; she doesn’t need these women; she just needs a quiet ride home with her husband, who left his leather jacket at home for a change, while he rubs her feet and whispers compliments into her always-perfect hair. And as Terry paws at her arches, she rests her head on the back of the seat, closes her eyes, feels the engineered hum of the vehicle, the whoosh of the tires, the rumble of the ocean somewhere in the background, and, for the first time since filming commenced, she begins to dream.
